neka (n3xole) wrote,

the outside does not always match the inside.

Every time I begin to type a new entry I am filled with the notion to delete it or sugar coat it so that everything seems okay. I have now come to realize after months of this same action playing out over and over again that it is not worth it to seem put together or okay when you are really not AND this is my blog lol. There are issues happening so deep in my life right now that I would need to dig for years to really get out of. I have been out of work for months now and at first it was great to be a stay at home mom. I enjoyed every minute of the day with my little guy. Now, not much has changed I still enjoy spending my time with my toddler, but I feel that it is time for him to go to a learning center at least a couple of days a week . I think he should spend time with other children his own age and be socialized while learning new things. I also am ready to go back to work and make my own money. Yes I am married and yes I am authorized to spend his money, but I do not like checking in with how much I have spent or why I need to spend it. When it is my money that I am spending I spend it the way that I see fit and I don't run it by anyone as long  as the bills are paid and my son had everything he needs. This whole being dependent on someone else is not how I was raised and it makes me feel more insecure than I ever thought it might.
My little toddler is everywhere into everything being the best thing I have ever had a part in ! Being a mommy has to be my greatest accomplishment to date and I would not trade or give this up for anything. He shows me new sides of me and learns new things and concepts everyday. We are thinking of trying again after Jeremiah's birthday in December BUT if I feel like I feel right now we will be staying a threesome for much longer than anticipated. I can't believe he is already 15 months old  (almost) where has the time gone.

Nursing school starts soon, scared, terrified, excited I have bipolar emotions about this lol. Bring on the fun, brain teasers. It is something about being able to set an example that even though there are set backs one can continue and be successful and who knows if nursing school goes well I might continue on to medical school. MAYBE lol don't hold me to it. I can just see this post coming back to haunt me .

Marriage is really really freaking hard. It is stressful, time consuming sometimes heartbreaking but even though I am feeling a little broken right now this is all worth it. I hate fighting, feeling like i've lost my backbone somewhere in this process of life however  I can feel myself rebuilding so my husband better be ready when I come back to my usual self if he thinks i've been speaking up lately he has not seen anything yet.

I have finally got serious about loosing weight. Once I get some extra money I am joining weight watchers I need to be held visually accountable but until then I can count calories, eat better, and get much more exercise than I do. I don't need a gym membership or a points plus system I can do this by myself I think this broken self has just finally shown me that if I want it then it is my own fault if I am not successful at it.

Anyway really this time I am going to try and be more open with myself and my feelings here . I wish that there was a whole food store around here, kroger it is.

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